It struck me the other day that all of the best stories I've heard have come from people who were under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
Since I am a non-drinker, my repertoire of stories is woefully inadequate, and my sole "beer" story consists of me trying to pour salt in my beer, only to have that beer foam up out of the bottle and onto my friend's parents' glass-topped coffee table. I think his sister got a picture of me wiping the beer up with a paper towel.
Man ... I'm surprised I lived to tell THAT one. WHOOOOOOOOO.
I've often thought I should become a drinker, just so I'd have some cool stories to tell at a party. I know that's an immature attitude to have and that drinking to excess can cause serious problems, including sickness, death, waking up with an ugly chick and more drinking.
However, you know EVERYONE perks up and listens when a story opens with "So I'm in the emergency room at 2 a.m., wearing only my girlfriend's bra and a golf club stuck up my ass ..."
And, even though smoking and drinking go together like frat boys and date rape, I do NOT envy smokers because, well, smoking doesn't make you do the silly and/or life-threatening shit that makes for great stories. The best we can hope for from a smoker, story-wise, is: "So I woke up this morning and hocked up a black loogie the size of a minivan. I put it in a jar on the windowsill next to my pickled pig fetus."
And I most definitely do NOT condone the use of any type of illegal drugs, but I have to admit that one of the funniest stories I've ever heard came from a friend who, while tripping on acid, became convinced he was being stalked by creatures from a bad 80s horror flick (C.H.U.D., for those of you who remember). In his haste to escape these creatures, he performed several daring and spectacular feats that defy the laws of physics.
See what I mean? That's good story material right there! I'm just not getting those effects from cookies and milk, so I need to switch to something stronger like, say, vodka and Red Bull.
So, if you don't see a post within the next few days describing my hilarious escapades that result from getting drunk on a co-ed fad drink, then I'm either dead or in jail.
Or I chickened out and spent the night licking the white filling out of Oreos. Sigh.
2 comments:
My guess is that you are still licking out the white creamy stuff from the middle of oreos. I don't blame you, that is quite satisfying.
More power to ya for being a "non-drinker" I'm sure your liver is thanking you. And at the very least, if you don't have any thrilling inebriated stories, you could always make one up. Go ahead, let your imagination run wild. That's a scary thought.
Nice picture by the way, it really captures your good side.
No. I have since vowed to abstain from the Oreos, on account that I ate so many last night, I became convinced that I could communicate with insects.
Bah ... what's the point of dying with a good liver if you don't have any good stories?
Pallbearer #1: "Brett never drank, so he died healthy. Kudos to him!"
Pallbearer #2:"Healthy??! The bastard OD'ed on Oreos! He weighs a ton!"
Pallbearer #3: "Yeah, but he sure did have some funny stories! Remember the one where, uh ... erm ..."
Pallbearer #4: "Oh yeah! There was this one time when we went out drinking and ... oh, wait ... that wasn't him ..."
Pallbearer #1: "C'mon guys, there's GOTTA be a funny story about him ... think, dammit!"
Pallbearer #2:"THIS will be a funny story, how I got a hernia carrying his fat ass to the grave. I'm laughing already .... NOT."
Pallbearer #4: "Maybe this would be easier if we had more than just four pallbearers."
Pallbearer #3: "Yeah, and names would be nice, too."
You get the point I'm trying to make here. As for the picture, it took me a long time to find the one that was just right. I thought about the one where I'm killing ninjas, but I decided that was SO last year, and the one where I'm jumping out of the third-story window of a burning building with a baby in my arms makes my butt look HUGE.
So I picked the one where I was telling my daughter how much I liked liver and onions. In retrospect, that may not have been the wisest choice, considering it looks like you could park a truck in my mouth.
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